What To Do When You Don’t Feel Supported
It was 2013. I was successful by most definitions. I had, by the grace of God, rebuilt my life after a divorce I should have seen coming.
But in that moment I felt lost, alone, grief-stricken, and oddly reliving a feeling that seemed familiar.
The beeping of my mother’s heart monitor, in that moment, was an odd but welcome companion.
Although it was reasonable for me to expect my best friend in the world to say her last goodbye that night, I secretly held on to the hope that - like so many times before - she would defy the odds.
I sat there wondering what to do with the feeling that I was missing something critical.
I had plenty of time on my hands, and so, with the smell of hospital grade disinfectant and the crunch of tear-stained ICU bed sheets under my head, I let my mind wander contemplating the woman in the tree.
Hanging On For Life
In March of 2000, the news outlets exploded with the miraculous imagery of a woman in Mozambique, heavily pregnant and having gone into labor after 4 days stranded in a tree after intense flooding of the region.
Four days. Pregnant. In labor. In a tree. Crocodile infested flood waters raging below. Her mother just beneath her in the same tree anticipating the birth of her grandchild and just the right moment to attempt to catch this unsuspecting little miracle.
I was mesmerized, transfixed and perplexed when the story broke. But at the time I couldn’t relate. Although true, the story sounded fantastical and out of reach in my American existence.
But in 2013, straddling a catastrophic event with what felt like the absence of any safety net, plan or comfort, I had so many questions for the woman in the tree.
What was she feeling, thinking and saying as her tired, overstressed muscles absorbed the weight of her body, the writhing child and the involuntary birthing pains that afforded her no mercy?
With raging flood waters and certain doom below and all around, with no one to protect, comfort and support, what on earth gave her the other-worldly strength, grit and wherewithal to hope and to hold on?
Did she know she was a super human? Did life prepare her for that moment? Did she have family practice drills and loving, supportive parents and siblings to cheer her on and mark her milestones? Had she been meeting with a psychologist to help her mentally prepare for the moment that would literally threaten the very existence of her family? Did she have money saved up and insurance secured to cover her injuries and potential losses?
Did she have a network of support rushing to save her from the odds that were not in her favor?
What did this woman, with no support and odds willing to devour her, have that helped her survive the impossible, achieve superhuman acts, deliver a healthy baby girl IN A TREE and go on to eventually meld into the recesses of my mind?
For someone I’ve never met, I’ve spent an incredible amount of time studying her, and so many other ordinary, unusual and remarkable others who overcame odds that, with no support and reasonable resources, would have caused most of us to succumb.
I wouldn’t dare to compare the life of comfort many of us enjoy to the journey that this woman and her family have had to recount too often to mention.
I honor her here, by revisiting the lessons she never intended to teach us in those raw, vulnerable, unnerving moments of uncommon resilience while she was hanging on for life.
Options When You Don’t Feel Supported
If you are feeling unsupported in your vision for your life, work, ministry, etc., I will remind you of what I have many times since reminded myself of when I felt the sting of feeling unsupported.
“You have more options than you realize.”
Identify What You’re Feeling and Give it a Name
This profound act is a simple but game-changing way to shift from the emotional processing center of our brain (the limbic system) to the rational center of the brain (the prefrontal cortex). By going through the mental exercise of identifying a name for what we’re feeling, we interrupt the cycle of emotion that can throw us into a victim mentality (ex. “no one loves me,” “I don’t have any options,” “It will always be this way”). Resist a victim mentality (we all have our own version of what that looks like).
It’s healthy to acknowledge when you have been harmed or if you’re in danger, of course.
And let me be very clear about something.
One of the biggest mistakes that Vision-driven leaders make when it comes to addressing the issue of not feeling supported, is allowing others to dumb down or shut down what they are feeling/thinking/believing for.
I call this Boundary Shaming and Vision Shaming. If that hits home, drop me a note at support@rockyourvision.net and I’ll send you my FREE training on Boundary Shaming.
Just know that there’s a difference between acknowledging that something damaging has happened to you and using that experience as an identity.
Naming what you’re feeling/thinking is an empowering, active step in reclaiming your voice, your power and sense of personal agency.
On the other hand, using what has happened to you as a permanent identity suffocates your ability to embrace and activate mindsets, behaviors and beliefs that help you reclaim your voice, power and sense of personal agency.
Here are two other benefits of identifying what you’re feeling/thinking:
Identifying what you’re feeling/thinking slows down or interrupts the wandering thread of beliefs or circular loop of blame that can cause us to tolerate a victim-based perspective that gets increasingly pitiful, potentially untrue, and moves us farther and farther away from our ability to take productive action. Naming what you’re feeling is a kind of prefrontal cortex “tag” that allows your brain the opportunity to decide what to do next.
Identifying what you’re feeling/thinking helps you identify your options. When you know what you’re feeling, there’s a greater chance that your brain will be better equipped to focus on the right issue vs. the wrong issue. One of our community members discovered that she would come out of meetings with her boss feeling extremely frustrated with herself because she couldn’t get through a conversation without crying. She was stuck on criticizing herself, focusing on her failures and rehearsing incredibly negative self-talk (“I’ll never succeed on this project; There’s no way I’ll get promoted the way this is going”). The simple act of identifying what she was feeling (vs how she was feeling) helped her uncover that what she was feeling was “disrespected, devalued, injured and criticized.” Turns out, while she definitely had areas to improve on, she also exposed the inappropriate, unprofessional and demeaning behavior of her boss. She also realized that she was tolerating her boss's behavior and identified a very powerful set of options, including developing a script to set some healthy boundaries and rules of engagement in their working relationship.
Productive Options When You Don’t Feel Supported
Listen to your own words.
Those words are indicators, not prison guards.
Your words can indeed take on a life of their own, and create a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck and repeating habits that reinforce a fear-based victim mindset.
Journal About What You’re Experiencing
You will be amazed at what you will discover by going back and reading your journal entries. Write what you are feeling and write until you stop.
I went back to read some journals from many years ago. What I read represented an old, wounded version of myself that has long since transformed into someone stronger.
So, I poured myself a cup of tea, turned on the firepit and set that thing ablaze
That’s Big Girl Stuff, yall.
Get Help
Own and address what’s within your control/influence and resist the temptation to take on responsibility for things that aren’t yours. Commit to doing your work. And only your work.
Leaders, entrepreneurs, ministry leaders and visionaries in general are prone to some of the very things can create a perception and even a reality of being unsupported. See if any of these things sound familiar:
Saying yes to too many things
Resisting delegating, not empowering the team or under-leveraging the expertise on the team
Not slowing down long enough or early enough to check in with the team or the results
Ignoring warning signs of overwhelm, poor implementation or financial strain
Neglecting areas of personal or professional development
Neglecting strategic planning
Reacting to constructive feedback with defensiveness or immaturity
Avoiding taking action on known issues
Avoiding giving constructive feedback and tolerating unhealthy behaviors in others
Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of wisdom, maturity and growth. Whether you need to get help with your own developmental areas or someone else’s, you decide right now to get help.
In the next 30 days, where will you get help?
Resist Making Assumptions
Identify places where you may have made assumptions about what people know/see/feel/understand (if you’re saying things like “they should have known,” or, “doesn’t everybody?” or “you can’t make me believe”). Get professional help developing scripts to articulate your hopes/needs/goals/dreams, etc. in a constructive, healthy and appropriate way.
Discern the Difference Between Feeling Unsupported and Being Unsupported
Unsealed hurts can sometimes cause us to attribute old issues/pain to current circumstances and people.
There were times in my life when I was truly “out there on my own” (to quote an old musical with some very dramatic dance scenes - drop me a note if you’ve figured out which one).
And there were other times I realized I was projecting my own issues and insecurities onto other people that were in fact not about them, but instead about deeper work I needed to do.
In the life of a vision-driven leader it is absolutely true that you will have some people in your life (some closer than others) that will present themselves as negative, soul-sucking joy killers.
It’s also true that there will be some feedback that although hurtful we have to challenge ourselves to view through the lens of growth and maturity.
Just remember that not everything that is hurtful is harmful, and not everything that feels good is helpful.
More Big Girl stuff…
Discover the Center of Your Soul (for me it’s God and my Values)
Spend time getting to know that center (your values, your faith, your past successes, your relationships, etc)…whatever those things are that inspire, encourage and help remind you that you are stronger than you know.
Build the Circle of Champions that You Need
There was a time in my life when I was surrounded by people who, while well-intended, were negative and soul-sucking. What I saw as bold, courageous moves on my part were the subject of jokes, teasing and doubt-filled jabs: (real-life ex.: “You’ve been nominated for an award? For what?! You haven’t done anything.”)
Yeah. That’s stings just writing it.
It took a few tears, and a little therapy, but I eventually realized that this person was not going to be a consistent source for encouragement and positivity, most especially when I felt discouraged and vulnerable.
I very intentionally built a Circle of Champions - people that were:
Filled with Christ-centered faith
Relationally Healthy
Wise
Encouraging/Kind/Positive
High integrity
Experienced as as a successful leader/entrepreneur
Aware of my Vision/Goals
Available and committed to serving as part of my Circle of Champions
One final tip about the people who are in your life who mean well but you’ve identified as not the right candidates for your Circle of Champions…
There will be some people whom you can easily jettison from your life. There will be others relationships that simply need better boundaries (for yourself and them) or the awareness of what role they are capable of playing in your life/work.
I absolutely believe that you don’t need permission to live the life God gave you. I’m also aware that the dark side of that can produce a mindset that falsely believes you can do everything on your own (it’s actually the pre-cursor to a Victim Mentality).
Being self-aware and others aware will help you recognize healthy boundaries, roles and responsibilities for the people that are strategically placed in your life for the longer term.
Does all this sound hard? Well, it can be, Friend. I won’t kid you. And you can do hard things. Your vision is worth it!
Here’s the truth - when you don’t feel supported, you DO have options. And the very first one is the person looking back at you in the mirror.
About The Author
Karen Hilton is retained executive coach, speaker, organizational strategist and Leadership Coach, based in Atlanta, Georgia.
She founded Rock Your Vision as a way to equip and inspire professionals and entrepreneurs to do life on their own terms. Rock Your Vision will help you get clear about your best next steps while leaving fear, excuses, mistakes, and confusion behind. Ready to Rock YOUR vision?